When it feels like God screwed you over.
I’ve never been able to compartmentalize my feelings to one situation. If someone has wronged me it spills over into our entire relationship until I have properly dealt with it. But until I do, it affects everything. I don’t love that about myself, but I know it’s a part of who I am. It goes hand in hand with being empathetic and sensitive, always asking deep questions and needing the answers.
I know I need God. My head believes in a higher power that looks out for us in ways we can’t comprehend. I believe that there is good in every situation and that angels surround us, stroking our hair when we cry and as the world falls apart around us. But the God in my head and the one In my heart just aren’t the same.
I came to this conclusion a few weeks ago with the help of my therapist. I have been feeling distant from God, craving lots of space from the evangelical normalcies I had grown up with my whole life. I can’t connect to many of the things that the modern church stands for, and yet there’s so much I love as well. Ive realized that there’s a divine being that I know that I need, one I’ve been searching for my whole life, and then there is the God I’ve been hearing about my whole life. And the two are not the same.
As I grow and gain life experience, I am not willing to pretend anymore. I will not accept answers that explain away doubt and fear. I will not settle for another bible verse to stick into every situation. I want way more than that.
But in order to get there, I know I have baggage to resolve with the God of my heart. My past is riddled with painful moments where I don’t believe with my heart God was present. Everything I have learned might tell me that of course He was. But I’m not there. I’m not feeling it. I need to work through the junk standing in my way so that I can cling to the feet of Jesus once again and fully believe that He is with me as has been with me this whole time.
Denying that I feel this way won’t help me. Walking through life submitting to the beliefs of others won’t free me. This is my journey to a deeper relationship with God. A deeper knowing of this higher power who I am sure is much less like the God of the modern church than many of us think.
Are you there? Are you desiring God but unable to fit yourself into the box He’s been put in? Do you need to know it’s okay to rearrange every piece of your faith? Tear it all down people, rebuild brick by brick. Take the time to figure out who God is. Learn to separate that from cultural Christianity and find freedom in the beauty of both. You are not alone. So many of us are doing it. A journey to die to our own selves, and to really be more like Jesus-not who others say He is, but who He actually is.
Happy Tuesday dear friends!
I absolutely relate to this.
I’m there girl! It doesn’t feel nice but I’m trusting there’s a bigger purpose to this “dark night of the soul”… thanks for your honesty – so refreshing!
YES!
God is a real total idiot to begin with since he never gave a good single man like me a good wife and family to share my life with. Then again, if he had been real smart like the old days when most women back then that were the very complete opposite of today and real ladies which then i definitely would’ve met a real nice woman with no problem at all. Women today are totally different now unfortunately since most of them are very high maintenance, independent, which they don’t really need a man anymore, very selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, narcissists, think they’re really all that, and very very money hungry these days more than ever which most of these type of women are real gold diggers as well. It is very obvious why so many of us men are still single today since i know friends that are single and certainly agree with me too. It was a real good thing though that God made much better women in the past, otherwise this world would’ve never progressed the way that it did over these years. Many of us single men can’t even say good morning or hello to a woman that we would really like to meet, and there will be times when they will even Curse at us as well. God, what in the world did you do to these very pathetic women today?
Sorry that this has been your experience. In my experience both men and women can be the way that you described. I do hope you get the chance to experience a woman who is kind and loving, assertive and strong