Tag Archive for: struggle

Why Me

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Today as I was nursing Lilah before her nap, I felt an overwhelming sense of thankfulness at the little person wrapping her little arm around my waist. But that feeling of thankfulness was followed by another familiar question: why me?

I’ve wondered this at so many times throughout my life, both the good and the bad. But now as a mother I wonder: Why have I been given a child when others struggle to have one? Why am I able to nurse my little girl in peace while other babies are ripped from their mothers arms at the border? Why do I sit here a beautiful beach house while others sit amidst the dirt and grime of poverty, begging for food to feed their babies.

Why me?

I’ve been asking questions as early as I can remember. I’ve always been obsessed with fairness, justice. I don’t understand why some of us suffer more than others. Why some of us claw our way through life while others float by.

So many times I just stand there, look up, and ask “what the hell are you doing?”

Sometimes It’s in the midst of my own suffering; the deepness of my own thoughts has caused me much pain. But the older I’ve become, the more I’ve come to recognize my own privilege. The more my heart breaks for those who were given something different, a life I could never even imagine.

And while I believe that there is purpose in it all, that all things work together for good (Romans 8:28), I am still saddened, outraged, shocked over the things I see going on all around me. More often than not I cannot grasp that any of it is good.

I find myself praying that I will see things clearly. That my heart would break for those things in this world that really matter. That God would lead me into dark places without fear, that he would use my privilege to love others. If not that, what have I been given all of this for?

I wrestle with wanting to stay in my bubble. Wanting to avoid fear and pain, failure. But that bubble is also a prison that will rob me of true life.

Why me? I have no clue. But I will not waste it.

For The Days You Just Can’t.

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Sometimes I have one of these days every couple of months, sometimes they come all in a row for months on end, threatening to never leave.

For a little over a month now the days “I just can’t” have been hovering over me like a dense fog, allowing me to function but just barely. Our family is facing great pain, I am struggling with purpose, money is tight, and each time I find a job it seems to fall apart.

Defeated.

Have you been there? Are you there right now?

The other day I spent 12 hours on the couch. I had the day off, and I sat down to watch the news while eating breakfast and decided that it was a day I just couldn’t and so I didn’t. I planted my butt in front of an NCIS marathon and did everything in my power to love myself with grace for the entire day.

I think that’s the key to days when we just can’t. Sometimes we have to go to work and meet deadlines and feed kiddoes and run errands, and so we muster up all that is within us and we go and do it.  Maybe on those days we get a scone and caramel latte and all the strength of Jesus we can get. But every once in a while, when we feel like we just can’t, maybe we don’t.

Are you with me?

Maybe some days we stay in bed. Who cares?

And maybe some days we eat ice cream for breakfast lunch and dinner because it was a really hard day and we just need to have so much grace and love for ourselves.

I am learning this.

As I claw my way through the dark days, desperately clinging to Jesus, I am learning to have grace for myself.

I am doing the best that I can, you are doing the best that you can. And when it really comes down to it, there’s a reason for the days we just can’t. They mean something. It is our psychological response to something that’s too big for us. Sometimes that thing has haunted us for our entire lives, sometimes it’s just for this season, but it’s almost always something we can take a closer look at.

Hidden beneath every struggle is a better version of ourselves, if we can just listen.

So you who are sitting in a day you just can’t, or a series of days you just can’t, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We can Skype if you want. And it’s okay if you’re eating cereal out of a mixing bowl, and haven’t washed your hair in 4 days, because I know that place.

Together we can do this.