Tag Archive for: parenting

It’s okay to “just” be a mom.

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It’s okay to “just” be a mom.

Light filters through the window of the playroom, casting a joyous glow on the toys littering the floor. I am here in the midst of them, legs crossed, protecting my coffee in between them like a precious gem (which in fact it is). I love my life…Don’t I?

A screech erupts behind me as my newest walker toddles towards his big sister holding her favorite Barbie. I watch the scene unfold for a bit before taking the doll out of his chubby hands. This fulfills me…Right?

I take another sip of my coffee and plan the day out in my head. Nap, snack, walk. Okay, but how am I going to get us all to dinner? Movies it is. Again. This is my dream…Isn’t it?

A few minutes pass and I absentmindedly scroll through my news feed, a habit I have picked up whenever my hands are idle. Everyone looks so productive. I can’t pass a scroll without seeing at least one #momboss hashtag. These women are rocking it. I immediately feel inferior, I need to do more- be more. Why haven’t I finished the sample chapter for my book proposal? Why is my brain constantly in a fog? How do I still not know how to template my newsletters? For the love of God can I please just get a blog post out already.

But then I stop. I don’t HAVE to do anything. It’s okay for me to “just” be a mom. God knows theres enough going on over here to keep me at my brink for years to come. I can pick and choose in each and every moment whether or not I want to add something to my plate. If I don’t want to increase my followers, or write my book, or be a health coach, or save the world, I don’t have to.

It’s okay to “just” be a mom and for that to be enough. Because it is. And maybe stay-at-home-moms are still lacking the bad-ass title that they are due from the world. But I can claim it anyway. I can claim my own enough-ness, know my own needs, know my own worth.

If I want to do more, then I can. But I don’t HAVE to. I really don’t.

It’s okay to “just” be a mom.

 

When you’re a mom with anxiety.

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I have always been a little scared of being a mom, and at times very terrified. Anyone who has ever had a panic attack can identify with the need to have an escape at all times. What would happen if I had three kids in a shopping cart in a store and had to get out of there ASAP? I’d be stuck. What about when my kids get older and start to realize that mommy is afraid of certain things, breathes really fast in certain places? What about the days when my OCD has such a hold on me that I can’t get myself to stop organizing for even a second, plowing through my kids imaginative play in order to create my own illusion for control? And then the biggest fear, the one I don’t dare share; what if life becomes too much one day and I leave my babies behind?

I come about it honestly. My whole family struggles with anxiety. Having been a child of two parents who struggle with deep fears, I know first hand how it can affect our teeny people. No judgement-my parents did the very best they could and we all turned out pretty good, but I felt their anxiety and it greatly affected me. Knowing this, I am so very sensitive to what my anxiety could do to my baby girl. I wonder if she notices, even now, the differences in my days. But even if she can’t sense my deep feelings now, I know that someday soon she will. How do you show those hard parts of yourself to your innocent babies? How to you lay your cards all out on the table, lead by example in navigating hardships, all while not burdening them with your baggage?

How am I ever going to do this?

Before I had Lilah, my life was self centered. It had to be, it was how I survived. Every move was planned perfectly to avoid as much fear and uncomfortability as possible. I had it down to a science. I had a dozen excuses in my back pocket, knew my escapes to avoid certain situations. But I can’t quite do that anymore.

There’s more going on here now. I have to learn to do it a little bit differently now then before. If I want my babies to experience life to the fullest then I’m going to have to do some of those hard things. If I want to avoid losing my shit at home with a baby all winter then I’m going to have to go to those play dates, run those errands-stretch myself to reach those places.

But guys it’s really hard. It’s hard to recharge enough to get myself to the places I need to be and to do the things I need to do for my baby. It takes a lot of intentional time to myself, a lot of understanding exactly what I need in order to be at my best. And still some days, most days, lulu doesn’t get my best. She just gets what I’ve got to give in the moment, even if it’s teary snuggles in front of the TV.

I’m learning to have grace for myself when I don’t feel like I’m being the parent I should be. When I’m scared that I’m hurting my child by being a mess. When I’m afraid I won’t be able to handle raising her and any other babies we might parent. One step at a time right? Deep breaths, baby’s steps. That’s often all I have to give. Can I trust that is enough? Can I trust that my love for her is making the difference? I have to. Because my battle with anxiety is lifelong and it is difficult. The last thing I need is the pressure to leave that part of me out of my parenting game.

You can do this mamas. You can. We can. We will!

Parenting-amazingly exhausting

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It’s like everything worthwhile in life. Beyond amazing, yet beyond exhausting. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, and yet I’d give anything for just one day to myself.

When I look back on my life so far I see this pattern. The things that are most worth it are the ones that stretch my every limit and leave me wondering, “can I do this?”. Author Shauna Niequist would call it the “bittersweet” of life. The real, raw, intense, excruciating is also the most beautiful, the most rewarding.

I love the bittersweet in life. I love the challenge and the uncertainty, the deep joy, and peace. But I also don’t. Because anyone who knows me knows that uncertainty when it comes to what’s next is NOT MY THING. I spend a lot of my time clinging to the illusion of control (working on it).

So God gave me Lilah Grace. The most beautiful little person I’ve ever set my eyes on. She is pure JOY. And yet she fights sleep like I’ve never seen. She won’t take a bottle. She knows exactly what she wants and my schedule is out the window. It makes me chuckle. There’s that bittersweet again. All the best things in life have it.

And if I’m being perfectly honest, I’m unbelievably exhausted both physically and emotionally. And I’m ridiculously happy. In the same day I’m texting Eric to “please for the love of god get home right away I’m going crazy” and sending him videos of our little lulu cooing away. I find it amazing that the two can go together even at all.

When I hit the bittersweets in life I always know I’m going to be learning and growing. Here’s to parenting, the most bittersweet thing I’ve ever done.