Fear in Faith.
I feel vulnerable, afraid, unsure. Am I doing it wrong? Am I searching too much, learning too much?
For years now I have been exploring my faith on many different levels. And I don’t just mean, tearing through my bible with a highlighter. I mean studying other religions, following the lives of people whose beliefs differ from mine, pushing myself into corners that are uncomfortable for me.
This morning as I lay in bed with a book in my lap, I realize that I am terrified. I thought I’d already done it-already entered into the scariness or doubt, seeking, not knowing- and yet I am finding myself in yet another layer of seeking God. One that feels entirely new to me. I feel like a vulnerable lamb in the middle of a forest.
We know faith is scary, right? It’s believing what we cannot see and cannot fully know. But even more than that, the exploration of faith, of God, of our own humanity, is so incredibly scary. And to be honest, I don’t really want to know anything else. I don’t want to explore anymore, I don’t want to know myself better, know God better. I’m just exhausted. Terrified. I could really just throw a temper tantrum about it all.
But something in me is bigger than all of that fear. This desire to know God so deeply that it pours out of my very energy. And in order to do that, I MUST journey, ask questions, doubt, meditate, swim in the unknown. It’s the only way.
I hate this feeling. This feeling of falling through the air. I’m a control freak, a perfectionist. This goes against everything that keeps me sane. But I don’t want to sit in a bubble of comfortability. I want more. We are called to more.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. -Jeremiah 23:19
Just listened to your interview on your dad’s podcast and I’m so thankful to hear more people talking about growing up with anxiety in a conservative culture. I was homeschooled, attended an independent Baptist church and went to Bob Jones University. It was during that time that I spiraled most severely into what I know now was anxiety and OCD Scrupulousity, I used to have constant panic attacks and I stayed awake for several days at a time. I had accepted the fact that I probably wouldn’t survive past 20 and didn’t receive any thoughtful help, or diagnosis from the adults in my life, they didn’t believe in psychology and just thought I was refusing to live the way a Christian should. Now, 17 years later I can look back and see how God taught me he has space for me as I am in doubt and whatever my faith, or my brain looks like and that I can trust myself just like you said! I have a 12 year old that also is walking a similar sort of neurodiverse path and I am so reassured to hear you talk about being a mom and letting your kids make mistakes and your dad being your engaged humble parent. Thank you! I’ll probably go back and listen a second time!
Thank you for listening! What an incredible story you have. I have a feeling you are such a source of comfort to your daughter and she navigates this hard road.
I resonated so much with you in hearing Pete and Jared interview you recently! And wow at this first blog I see when I come to the blog site you directed us to. EXACTLY where my inner world is as we speak! Please just envision me smack dab in the middle of small town, conservative, Bible belt, central/south Georgia America in the middle of this scary unraveling of who I am, who God is and who everybody else is. I too blogged about it a couple of months ago in detail (https://makingitupasigo.net/2018/12/30/to-the-parents-and-grandparents-puzzled-by-their-kids-faith-crisis/) as sort of an “open letter” to all our parents and grandparents who are freaking more than we are over what appears to be as scary as Ariel trying to marry a human. That totally went over like a flying brick with her Dad, and while my parents are pretty open-minded and fearless, I do still feel like a fish out of water in my little sphere. Lonely sometimes. Scared sometimes. Doubting myself sometimes. So happy to have found a hitchhiker such as yourself on this road to who knows where, but to somewhere that’s not here, for sure! Like you said “It’s the only way.”
I listened to your interview on the podcast and found it enlightening. I also enjoyed reading some of your writings on this blog page 🙂 Thank you for being open about what you have experienced in your life. I don’t know if you have heard of this book, but it may be helpful as you continue your search for answers and truth in your walk of faith. The book is “The Logic of God: 52 Christian Essentials for the Heart and Mind” by Ravi Zacharias. As followers of Jesus Christ, this life we live is challenging with many things that confuse our minds and cloud our judgement especially if we allow the world to tell us who we are and what to think. Jesus offers clarity, not confusion and it is a constant “walk of faith” every day trusting Him to meet our needs and guide us to the Truth. We will make mistakes, but we need to give ourselves the latitude and grace to accept our mistakes and still know that we are loved by a God who knows us fully and yet still chooses to love us through our mistakes. That is comforting to me as I am always a “work in progress”.
I heard your interview today on the podcast with your dad.. I appreciate your openness and honesty as I now relate to my grandson (age 8) who I’m trying to understand.