Today marked the day that Lilly Pulitzer designs came to target. But they didn’t come to stay, they come for a few fleeting moments and were gone.

I was one of those poor schmucks who waited months for this event and alas came out of it empty handed. Of course I went right to Target’s Facebook page and left them a comment letting them know my deep disappointment…I am sure the CEO of Target was greatly moved by my feelings.

Here is Eric and me in the only real Lilly dress I will ever own,

 a gift from my mama for my rehearsal dinner

But this whole thing got me thinking about living in this world of consumerism as a follower of Christ. By the world’s standards, we never can have enough. There is always something we are missing, something that we absolutely need to be complete. Perhaps it’s a cheaply made, Target brand Lilly Pulitzer dress, or a nice car, or a perfectly Pinterest house. But it will never be enough.

I love clothes. I love putting outfits together and getting compliments when I end up looking decent. I love searching for things and finally finding them in an obscure online boutique. 

Part of my love of clothes is fueled by my need to be perfect, look perfect, be enviable to other women. Oh how I hate to admit that! But it’s true…

And so I wrestle with the idea of being consumed by consumerism. I say things like, “I really NEED a new pair of sneakers,” or “Eric, we NEED those sham pillows for the shams on our bed,” or “I NEED a new dress because the other 100 in my closet won’t work for this wedding we’re going to.”

I throw “need” around like I don’t even know the meaning of the word. So, I thought, maybe I really don’t. Thus, I consulted my friend Webster on his thoughts regarding “need”. Some of the definitions fit right into my selfish idea of need, but this one stood out to me: 

need- a physiological or psychological requirement for the well-being of an organism

Uhoh for me…I actually do not NEED most of the things that I claim I do.

CRAP.

Okay so I had to take a few steps back here. Because technically I already knew this, I just pretended I didn’t so I could go on living in my consumerist bubble.

The question becomes this: Is it wrong to have things? Want things? Buy things we don’t necessarily need?

Hebrews 13:5 says this: “

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

1 Timothy 6:9-10 “

But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs.”

Matthew 16:19-21 “

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

This next one was hard for me to swallow…

Luke 12:33-34 “

Sell your possessions, and give to the needy. Provide yourselves with moneybags that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”

1 John 2:15-27 “

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.”

And my favorite: 

Phillippians 4:12 “

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.”

I don’t know about you, but I am getting the same message every which way I look in the Bible. Consumerism is consuming. You cannot serve both God and money/things. 

Does your consumerism consume you? Does it take you to a place where God is not needed? Do you worship things above your Savior? Let’s be honest here, because we all have at some point. But that is where the danger of consumerism lies. 

Lord Jesus help us to be consumed only by YOU. Give us the strength to live in a world where idols are everywhere. You are enough God, help us to feel that in every ounce of our being. You alone our worthy God. Thank you for the many things you have given us, let it not cloud our love for you or our willingness to live out your will for us here on earth. Amen.

Winter is over…Almost.

As winter comes to a close and spring peaks it’s sunshiny head around the corner, I can’t help but wonder why I put so much weight on my hatred for winter. I mean I know why…It’s cold, and depressing, and long. But can a season really hold so much power over my attitude?

I look at pictures like this one and all I can think about is how much I love sun and summer and warmth. How could I not?!

Even Max loves summer!

Anyway enough about me. I though it was appropriate as we are nearing the end of winter, for us to stop and really take a look at the beauty in this season. And instead of writing this myself, I found someone who could do it much better than I could. You can find the devotional here: 

http://www.crosswalk.com/blogs/daniel-

darling/finding-joy-in-winter.html

There is so much beauty in winter, just as there is also beauty in life’s suffering. But never fear dear friends, summer is just around the corner!

Revelation7:13-17

“The

n one of the elders asked me, “These in white robes–who are they, and where did they come from?”

I answered, “Sir, you know.” And he said, “These are they who have come out of the great tribulation; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.

Therefore, “they are before the throne of God and serve him day and night in his temple; and he who sits on the throne will spread his tent over them. 

Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching heat. 

For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.”

I struggle with the idea of suffering. I struggle with watching others suffer. I struggle with the truth that God is in it and all around it and in control. I struggle with the reality that life can be beautiful and painful and just as it should be all at once.

I have a tendency to want to fix things. I see pain around me and I want to do everything I can to take that from others so that they wont suffer. I think I get that from my dad. I remember that when I was a little girl I used to have vividly horrific dreams. I would wake up screaming and my dad would come running in, sit by my bedside and put both his hands over my forehead. He would wince dramatically like it was taking all his energy to remove my bad dreams and then he would put them in his own forehead. After he left I would sleep soundly, certain that my daddy was holding all my bad dreams now and that he would never let them come after me again.

Now here I am, a 24 year old woman, desperately wanting to take all the bad things from others and not being able to. I have had to come to terms with the fact that I cannot save anyone. I have no power to do so and no right to.

God and I have had some intense conversations recently. I watch my sweet Joanna suffer deeply and I challenge His good and perfect plan. It makes no sense to me. I guess those are the key words: to me. It is beyond my capacity to understand how my God could allow so much to come upon anyone.

When I watch her day in and day out, pushing through trial after trial, trusting in our Savior through scans, and appointments, and so much medication, and fatigue beyond what I can imagine, I challenge Him. I can picture how he sees me: sweatpants, messy bun, standing in my living room screaming up at Him to make it better. I can only assume that He smiles at my childishness, brushes my hair out of my eyes, sits down beside me. “You must trust me”, He would say, “My plan for Joanna’s life is bigger than you can imagine. Be still my sweet one, for I am holding her every so tightly.”

As I write this I am crying over my computer keys. My God is in control. If that is how He tenderly speaks to me about my friend I cannot even imagine how He is with her. How He wipes away her tears, and carries her through all her appointments, and rocks her to sleep at night, and soothes the hearts of the family she so strongly cares for.

I know that He expects our resistance. He understands our feelings. He was human after all. It gives me great peace to know that this God we serve “gets it” and walks with us through all of our kicking and screaming, our angry words, our messy tears, our “I give up” moments. Oh he most definitely “gets it”.

And so we may never understand His plan, or the paths that take us there. But we can trust in His goodness because at times that is all we have.

Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:7-

I love to run…usually.

There’s something about running that feels so freeing. I am so connected to my mind and my body. My feet hit the pavement in a hypnotic rhythm and I relish the moment when I push off the ground propelling myself further. You see, I love to be in control, and this fulfills that for me.

I am currently training for a few half marathons I am doing this year and as much as I love working towards something, I feel less in control when I “have” to run a certain mileage each day. I can’t just go run for however long I want to, I have to follow the training schedule I have set up.

Yesterday I was running on the treadmill (thanks winter), and I started to get really bored. The aerobics class that I had been watching for the first 4 miles had ended and so now I was looking at an empty room in front of me. It crossed my mind a few times to just stop and do something else or find Eric and go home and eat some leftover ice cream cake (I ended up doing that later anyway).

 I have a strategy for these moments. I once read in one of my running books that when you run or workout in any way, you should wear something small on your person that encourages you to keep going when you don’t want to. What inspires me when I’m running you ask?

Here it is: HOPE

This bracelet is from my friend Joanna, who is

battling

 beating cancer right now. She’s a runner like me, craves it, loves it. But she’s not running right now. But I can. And so I will run for us both. Not because I feel sorry for her, but because she inspires me not to take anything for granted. She encourages me every moment of every day to treat life as a gift, no matter what it brings us. 

And so I run for her and I run for me and let me tell you, when you are running for someone you love, you could run 100 or more miles and never give up. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about being overwhelmed.

I spend a lot of my days overwhelmed by one thing or another. There just always seems to be something weighing on my shoulders, something pulling my down.

It’s a suffocating feeling. As if I am drowning in a sea of emotions and experiences. But the more I experience this feeling in my life, as the responsibilities of being an adult pile on, the more I have come to listen to that feeling.

Usually when we are overwhelmed It feels negative. Not always, sometimes we are overwhelmed with happiness, or adventure, or by the love around us. But often when we feel overwhelmed we are feeling something that we deem negative. And even though feeling overwhelmed is burdensome and tiring and frustrating, I wonder how much it can teach us about our needs as humans.

When I am overwhelmed by something I usually find that it is because I have ultimately lost sight of who is really in control over my life, or I am trying to do too much, or I’m not allowing myself to feel what I need to feel. Basically that I am disconnected to my King and myself.

This is not to say that feeling overwhelmed doesn’t suck or that we can just make different choices or change our thinking and it all goes away. Or that it is reflection of our faith or any of that nonsense. Sometimes we just cannot get out of there no matter how hard we try. So then what?

We stop fighting it, and just dive straight into it. That’s right. We accept that we are overwhelmed by X,Y,Z (or the whole alphabets worth of things sometimes) and  allow ourselves to feel that and be okay with it.

Sometimes we can learn so much about ourselves in the midst of this messiness. I have found that when I am overwhelmed I start to attack myself for the very things that I am most self-conscious about. The things I tell myself so subconsciously that I don’t even realize it.

Everything we go through can teach us something. Sometimes it seems to have no other purpose than that. And that’s okay. Life is a journey, a constant process. We are always learning, and feeling, and crawling through the dark parts. It’s okay to be overwhelmed, it’s okay to feel like everything is falling apart, even if we think we’re being irrational.

Respect your feelings, dive into them, learn from them. Give yourself permission to be whoever you need to be in each moment. Sometimes I literally have to give myself verbal permission to be exhausted, or lonely, or angry, especially when I feel like I have no right to be any of those things.

We need to offer ourselves grace, and the space to grow.

Psalm 61:2, From the end of the earth I will cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

Psalm 121:1-2, I life up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.

Psalm 142:3, When I am overwhelmed, you alone know the way I should turn.

Isaiah 40:28, Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable.