Day 18. Wishing my life away

I catch myself doing it all the time. Sometimes I’m doing it for an entire week before I even realize it. Waiting for something, wanting something in the future, trying to plan out each little move. I miss moments, hours, days doing this.

I spent a lot of time in college waiting to graduate. Dreaming of a professional job, a husband, a house of my own. I had high hopes for my future, but because I was living for it, I so often missed the present. Sometimes the most beautiful moments of my life are lost as I plan my future instead of enjoying the moment.

I now have those things I once spent so much time dreaming of; a job, a wonderful husband, a house of my own. Yet still I spend so much of my time looking in the future. It seems as though I arrive at what was once the future and then It is no longer my focus and again I am looking to what’s next and missing what is now.

I wonder how much of my life I am missing without even realizing it. How much of my moments have been lost to my thoughts of the future. Does living in the future with all its mystery make us feel in control somehow. Is that why we do it?

I think we can all agree that living in the future is a source of anxiety and pain at times. It’s not all about dreaming of bliss. Living in the future can consist of living in fear of the future, what may or may not happen, how we will be able to handle the hardships. But does living in the future somehow change it’s outcome? Absolutely not. I wish that were enough to stop my thoughts from wandering so far.

This soothes my future-living soul

http://utmost.org/god%E2%80%99s-purpose-or-mine/

Joy is such an interesting word.

Webster defines it as “a feeling of great pleasure and happiness. “

I found these verse in the Bible on joy:

-James 1:2-3-Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

-Hebrew 12:2-Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

-John 15:11-These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full.

 

This is what Oswald Chambers has to say about joy:

http://utmost.org/my-joy-your-joy/

In the first paragraph, of the devotional, Oswald lays it out for us. Joy isn’t about happiness, it’s so much more than that. I have found that often in my life joy accompanies an experience of intense suffering or pain.

Only Jesus can bring us true Joy. Not our own feelings, or our situations. I would happily trade a life of happiness for a life of Joy, knowing that it comes straight from the Savior and is not my own.

Can we allow joy to seep even into our unhappiest of moments? Dare we allow it to fill us when we are crushed by the world around us? Is it enough that we have Him on our side? Is it enough that in all things He is with us?

Sometimes it’s not. 

In my darkest moments I cannot say that I always allow His joy to flow through me. Usually I slam the door in His face and turn to the world for answers. He is not usually my first choice. But when I do turn to Him, I always wonder why I hadn’t done that in the first place. 

His love and peace and joy covers me like a warm blanket, speaking comfort over me in a way that no man, alcohol, drugs, TV, or Facebook ever could.

Do I dare allow myself the pure joy of knowing Him? Do I dare give up my own life every moment in exchange for what He has to offer. Or would I rather create my own shallow happiness and miss out?

Friends, I ask myself, and you…Why do we fight Him? Why do we try and run our lives like we even know what we’re doing? Why must we hold on to our controlled comforts so tightly that we can’t let go to grab his joy, peace, grace?

We must let go of ourselves. That is the only way to stand in the presence of Christ.

-Luke 9:23-

And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.

-Galations 2:20-

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

-Mark 8:35-

For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel’s will save it.

I never knew how privileged I was until the privileges I’d grown accustomed to had been taken away.

When it was time for bed, camp leader Pocahontas came to get me from my corner of the campsite. She told me to grab my sleeping bag and follow her. She took me to the leaders camp area and told me to take off my boots and tie the laces together. I had no energy left to question her. She threw the boots on a pile with the rest of the girls’ footwear and unrolled my sleeping bag next to what I guessed was her own. I got inside, trying hard to create an ailment that would get me out of the woods. I thought maybe some kind of intense headache might do the trick.

I started out slowly, complaining of head pain. Pocahontas didn’t seemed concerned, but wrapped me burrito style in a tarp leaving an edge on either side of me. She got into a sleeping bag on one side and another leader, the skinniest man I’ve ever seen, got into a sleeping bag on the other side. I was trapped. WHAT KIND OF PLACE WAS THIS?

I screamed into the night, moaning and groaning in agony, complaining of a massive headache. But they didn’t take my bait. I was shocked. I started to realize that these people meant business. There was no way out, I would have to just suck it up and deal until they let me go home.

As the days went on I settled in a little bit. We hiked every day all day, the 60 pound pack I was carrying on my 110 pound frame left my body aching and my hips bruised and swollen. Our bathroom was a hole we dug with a tiny spade called a U-Dig-It. If we couldn’t make a fire as a group, we ate our dinners cold. When we made fires we did it with something called a bow drill.

Every week we would get a new rotation of camp leaders. So every other week we would get the same ones we had 2 weeks prior. Our second rotation consisted of a sweet southern belle named Megan, who I liked instantly. Then there was another girl with flaming read hair and a matching fiery personality. Lastly there was a middle-aged hiking expert who pushed me farther than I ever thought I could go. He would sometimes wake us in the middle of the night to hike, taking us miles farther than any other leader.

One afternoon after we reached camp, one of my campmates and I went a ways from the camp to dig the latrine (poop hole). The ground was rocky and half-frozen with clay underneath. About a half an hour in, Megan came over to us with her guitar and offered to play for us as we worked. She strummed a few notes before I realized what the song was. It was the song Return to Pooh Corner by Kenny Loggins. The same song my dad had sang to me since I was a little girl, strumming on his guitar in the living room. In that moment, somehow, I knew everything would be okay. Little did I know then that this song would be my father daughter dance song 7 years later.

Sleeping in a tent, by yourself, with no shoes and wooded darkness between you and the next person teaches you a lot about real fear. I am still in awe of the fact that I ever slept in my time in the wilderness, but i did, quite soundly. I guess all that hiking wears you out. But I also found myself praying often in my tent, snuggling deep into my sleeping bag and crying out to my savior for peace and hope. He made me brave, I am sure of this.

 Lord I come, I confess Bowing here I find my rest Without You I fall apart You’re the one that guides my heart Chorus: Lord, I need You, oh I need You Every hour I need You My one defense, my righteousness Oh God, how I need You

  Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more Where grace is found is where You are And where You are Lord I am free Holiness is Christ in me Yes where You are Lord I am free Holiness is Christ in me 

 So teach my song to rise to You When temptation comes my way And when I cannot stand I’ll fall on You Jesus You’re my hope and stay And when I cannot stand I’ll fall on You Jesus You’re my hope and stay

                                                             -Chris Tomlin “Lord I Need You”-

One night in particular I was seriously ill. Like coming out both ends, fetal position, no sleep all night sick. I had never been sick away from home before and was still in my “deathly afraid of throwing up phase”. As I lay in my tent, all alone, no distractions, lyrics from an old song came to me without warning.

When I am afraid, I will trust in You, I will trust in You, I will trust in You. When I am afraid I will trust in You, in God who’s word I pray. In God I trust, when I am afraid. In God I trust, in God who’s word I pray.

It’s a song from an old kids tape we used to listen to constantly. I can’t even remember the name now, but it was such a life changing moment for me. I knew that God was speaking to me in a very personal way and that He was with me and I was not alone.

As the weeks went by, I started to notice a pattern with the other girls. None of them were going home. As they left, one by one, they all were headed to boarding schools. I listened to them talk about which schools they were going to and whether they were the “good” ones or the “bad” ones. I never dreamed that would be my future as well.

Eventually I got a letter from my parents telling me that I would not be coming home either, but going to boarding school in Arizona to continue treatment. But by that time the Holy Spirit had surrounded me in such a way that all I could do was praise God for a family that would do anything to see me get well. I knew that God had brought me this far and would see me through whatever was next.

And that my friends is only part of my story, the rest I will save for my future book! Thank you for embarking on this journey with me of sharing my story. What good is the pain we endure, and the mistakes we make if we don’t use them to point others to Jesus?

All my love,

Lizz

After writing my blog yesterday I had this feeling that It was incomplete, like some big part was missing.

It’s impossible to give steps on how to give God complete control over your life. I personally do not believe that saying a prayer at one time does this. I think it is done over and over again in the most vulnerable of ways. I usually feel closest to God when I’m at my messiest. There’s a peace, like somehow I had been trying to pick up all the pieces and finally I admitted that I couldn’t put them back together. Of course, I am very stubborn and so where I find God may be very different from where you find Him. But I do know this: He shows up. Your situation may not change at all, but He will show up.

There are also times in my life where I feel I’ve crossed the line into complete and utter human wretchedness, and for a little while I don’t feel like God shows up. And that’s okay too, because He’ll show up regardless and it’s all a part of our process.

I believe in a journey far more beautiful than we could ever imagine. A journey where our steps have been mapped out for us so carefully, so tenderly. I believe that “all things work together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28)”, and maybe even for those who don’t love Him. I believe that the only way to fully taste the majesty of our King is to dive deep into the pain of this world.

Do you want to know the key to surrendering all to Jesus Christ? The key to feeling His peace and love like a blanket around you?

It’s this simple: just let go.

LET GO.

LET GO!

Let go of the diagnoses, the breakup, the marriage, the financial issues, the daily stresses that create a mountain too great to climb.

Let go of all of it. Because once you let go, it falls right into the hands of the Savior. And His hands are much stronger than your own.

A few years ago I read a book called “The Happiness Project”. It was a good read, lots of helpful tips on how to grasp happiness. But oh how lacking. Because, you see, happiness is not grasping anything, but letting go of everything.

Right now I feel a heaviness in my chest as all of the things that I have chosen not to let go of are bubbling up inside of me. Some of these things are things that I have to “let go of”  every day, every hour, every moment. Some I’ve been “letting go of” since I was a little girl. Some days I choose not to let go, out of stubbornness, or a need for control…I’m not really sure, but sometimes I do make that choice.  And those days usually suck. But regardless, It is all a part of this journey that God has chosen for me. And I am grateful for every moment.

-Jeremiah 29:11-

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I blog a lot about finding my purpose in life. Probably because I am always looking for that “thing” I was made for.  Always looking for something that will catch me when I feel like my life is dull, and meaningless. A safety net to tell me that I have worth when I don’t feel like I do. Because let’s be honest, all of us have those moments.

Nothing brings into question your purpose, like spending all of your time with kids. I was first really challenged by my own desire for “purpose” when I started teaching preschool a few years ago. From the outside everyone can agree that guiding young minds is of the utmost importance, but from the inside you’re being puked on and spending hours upon hours trying to get your class to form a line even for a moment. I am sure that many moms feel this way too, like theirs day are at times a monotony, a series of great moments and discouraging moments. Where then is the purpose in that?

Once my idea of “purpose” was in question, I was able to really explore the possibility. What if my purpose isn’t a life encompassing mission, but always changing, morphing to fit each moment. Is God big enough to give us that gift? Can we trust that in every moment we have purpose?

I have begun to believe that such a thing is true.

In my every moment, in my waking and sleeping, in my joy and my pain. There is purpose. He is big enough to accomplish all things through our every moments.

So my new purpose is to live life and trust that what He wants to accomplish in me, He will.

Psalm 138:8
“The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.”