What We Don’t Talk About When We’re Engaged.

We wait our whole life to be engaged, right? 

Even if we say we aren’t or we don’t really care, in some way or another we all are waiting for that concrete moment when another person says they want to do life with our messy, unorganized selves.

It’s a moment of happiness, it’s a sigh of relief, it’s a “thank God that I found you” moment.

But it’s also a lot of other things, and I think we don’t talk about them enough.

Eric and I got engaged on a Saturday in late November. It still seems like a blur when I think back to it. He got down on one knee and said some stuff and I sort of cried but also kind of couldn’t get a grasp on reality at the same time.

And then we kind of didn’t know what to do next. One moment we were sitting next to each other on the couch, looking at my ring and being all in love, and the next minute we were both on our phones, calling our parents, following the socially acceptable agenda of a newly engaged couple.

And that was when I first realized; being engaged sucks sometimes.

I hate decisions. And everything about a wedding is about decisions, down to the very person you are marrying.

People would joke around saying things like “you can still get out” or “you better be sure”.

Yeah okay…don’t say that. Especially not to someone who can’t even pick out a box of candy at the movies in under 10 minutes. 

My room became a shrine to our future wedding. Magazines everywhere, various DIY projects not even started. 

My Inbox was equally a mess. Wedding emails from more vendors than I could count. 

Instagram was my worse nightmare. I kept seeing all my cute future bride friends posting pictures of themselves on the couch, surrounded by coffee and invitations. #planningtime #lovethis. Meanwhile I am crying over the 50th email from my linens lady inquiring about napkin texture.

As our wedding got closer I began to feel a tad panicked. 

The business end of things was going quite smoothly. All vendors booked. A DIY workshop in Eric’s garage. I was feeling quite proud of myself.

It was starting to hit me. I was getting married.

Eric is everything that I didn’t even know I wanted in a husband. He is selfless in a way I have never known anyone else to be. He is patient, and thoughtful, and the funniest person I have ever had the pleasure of communicating with.

But you know what? I kind of freaked out about him not being the one. 

What if I am choosing wrong? What If I think I love him and then I actually don’t? What if he has some really awful habits I know nothing about? What if in 10 years it falls apart and we get divorced. 

WHAT IF?

(have I mentioned I am the queen of what-ifs?)

I was scared. 

With the help of Eric and a lot of other people I love and trust, I walked through the fear. 

I married Eric a little over a year ago; the wedding of my dreams and then some.

But I really wish someone would have told me that it’s okay to be scared when you’re making the biggest decision of your life: “I know you love Eric. But I also know you’re a little scared. And those things can exist together and be equally true.”

So for all of my engaged friends out there, wrestling with deep love and deep fear. It’s okay.

Work through the fear, listen to it, talk about it, embrace it. 

Then go ahead and let it fall away. Step into this new journey with hope in the one who made you, the one who protects you, the one who will walk with you always.