The Biggest Fear.

Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be someone important. I even went through a period of time where I was convinced that I would be the next virgin Mary, destined to carry the Savior in my womb. I was 7, maybe 8 at the time, and to me, that seemed like the ultimate proof that my existence mattered.

I had lost touch with that fear until very recently. Somehow as adults we have a knack for forgetting how we actually feel, a gift for hiding pain. And so I had almost forgotten how desperately that little child had wanted to be seen.

I no longer go to a job every day. I am writing full time, in my dining room. It’s an odd transition for me. There are no coworkers, no set time I must be at the office. I am in control of it all, and yet so many things seem out of my hands.

Jobs are funny things because they are not who we are, and yet we attach ourselves to them as if they define us. Regardless of whether really like them, they offer us some sort of reassurance that we are needed, that we matter to the grand scheme of things.

Nowadays my biggest task is to remember to eat lunch amid my ceaseless typing, to meet my deadlines, and to let Max out so he doesn’t pee on the floor.  But if I forgot any of those things, only my husband, my editor, and Max would know. I can no longer tie my significance in this world, to what I am doing every day.

Many of us struggle with the fear that we are insignificant. That we will be forgotten, unnoticed, overlooked. That the world will never see us as an important piece to its puzzle. I think that we all share this fear on some level.

But there is this still small voice that reminds us of our purpose.

The still small voice is the one that brings peace, joy, and love of self and others.

Amidst all the “not enoughness”, and the moments of feeling insignificant, there is a truth I am right where I need to be.

Today I am reminded of the goodness of the creator. His steadfastness. The way he challenges me to be more like him, to find my worth in him alone. I am thankful for this journey that twists and turns, and sometimes makes no sense.

May our significance be found only in him. May our lives reflect his purpose and not our own.